February 2009

Issue 1, Volume 7

Debbie From Dallas: All the Relationship Advice that Cosmo Won’t Give You
Dear Debbie From Dallas,

I met this girl at a frat party and was all over her. We had a great night sucking face, and after carrying her home from Tom and Marty’s, we had a passionate night together and continued it in the morning. We spent the next week together and it was the best week of my life. She slept over every night, and it was freaking amazing. The problem was that it was finals week and she went home. After six weeks of separation, I am completely lost. What should I do? Should I try to rekindle that love that we had or should I just move on?

-Lonely on St. John

Well Lonely, I think that the chick is probably screwing another guy. After a long separation love is tough to rekindle. Why don’t you go to the bar this weekend and pick up another chick? We all know that the girls on State St. are all sluts anyway so it won’t be that hard to pick them up. Just make sure you wrap it before you jack it. Many of those chicks have lots of STDs. Another reason that your relationship might not have worked out could be that you are a closet homosexual. In that case, please come out of the closet. In this day and age it is totally cool to be gay and out. In this case instead of going to the State St. bar, you might want to go to a great bar called Merlin’s. Have a great time.

Dear Debbie From Dallas,

I have been in college for four years and I haven’t even touched a girl. I know I’m not gay because I have often tried to be with a man and I haven‘t been able to get it up. How do I even approach a girl and get with her? I’m looking for a way to get some before I graduate, because as we all know no student has ever graduated as a virgin. Please Help!!!

-Sexually Frustrated in Bingham

Well Sexually Frustrated, first how many men have you tried? If you have tried more than five different guys, then you probably are not gay. I’m sorry to tell you this. If you haven’t been with five guys, you might want to try Viagra. If you want to get a girl, try going to Lakeside room 108. I hear they really run through condoms. Make the girls feel like you understand them. Be sensitive and they will love you like they were just shot with Cupid’s arrow. Then, take her back to your place, make her a nice dinner and get ready for a great ride. Just make sure you wrap it before you jack it.

Dear Debbie From Dallas,

I like this boy, “Johnson,” but my friend likes him as well. The only thing is that this is a MMF situation. I don’t want to hurt my friend but I really want to ride this cowboy. So does my friend. How can I still be with this guy but not hurt my bff?

-Too Many Dicks in Chocunut

Well Too Many Dicks, I think that you should talk to your best friend and to Johnson about having a threesome. It can be very beneficial as you can take part in a very great and close moment with both the man you want to sleep with and with your best friend. This way all of you can be happy. Then during the week both guys can take you on a date. It will be like you have two boyfriends without all the secrecy of having two boyfriends. Plus, you’ll have someone in the bedroom whom you trust in, your bff, for those emotional moments, like when Johnson can’t get his Johnson up. As Debbie always says “There can never be too many dicks in a bedroom.”

Dear Debbie From Dallas,

I have a problem in which whenever I rub up on a girl at the Rat I jizz. Then whenever I eat a grape, I just lose it. It is really becoming an issue, please help.

-Lonely Long Island

Lonely Long Island, premature jizzing can be a problem, but it could also be ecstasy. I would advise you, though, to constantly wear a condom so that you do not pass STD’s and get women pregnant. I would also advise not watching The Sixth Sense.

Debbie From Dallas is a monthly column that pushes the limit of decency on campus. For all those questions that no one will ask email prospectmagazine.Binghamton@gmail.com